The following text is a display and analysis of the revision process of the concluding paragraph of the John Williams essay. Conclusions, to me, are the most important part of a good essay. I scrutinize over word choice and tone the most in this section. The conclusion has the power to bring the thesis full circle. As mentioned in the IRE I have begun to tie in the theme of the human condition and Human Nature, usually conveying their existence quite optimistically. In this example I do this by reaching back to the idea of a collective human past; the idea that we as humans share something and how music can lie in this metaphysical realm of our subconscious.
Original work in italics, corrections and additions in bold
(draft 1)
Many years after Star Wars was out, John Williams described the reaction of the viewers in an interview. Reverse order of this sentence. Also, what kind of reactions were being questioned? “The response of the audience that you ask about is something that I certainly can’t explain. I wish I could explain that. But maybe the combination of the audio and the visual hitting people in the way that it does must speak to some collective memory that we don’t quite understand. Some memory of Buck Rogers or King Arthur or something earlier in the cultural salts of our brains, memories of lives lived in the past, I don’t know. But it has that kind of resonance—it resonates within us in some past hero’s life that we’ve all lived.” Make these two different paragraphs. It will let the quote sink in a little more.This is quite an interesting proposition it is abstract; use that word instead of interesting but that is kind of don’t use kind of, be more assertive and clear what happens when we hear music wordy; maybe just say musically. Performers try to achieve this resonance. Performers is a general term, be more specific. Use band or orchestra or symphony because that is the style of music being discussed in this essay. Give an example, you played in an orchestra for five years. It’s not only the notes; it’s the reaching back into the past. As creatures we don’t know if we have a future, but we certainly share a great past. This past vague is recalled in language as well as pre-language. how can it be recalled? this is confusing This is where music lies, hence it is to that part of our being that it can speak. wordy and choose better flowing verbs. The use of “this” makes you look back or question exactly what “this” is. Be more direct and clear. It is easy for the last two sentences to get stretched out so make them a little more concise while still giving them that same punch.
(Draft 2)
In an interview many years after Star Wars had been released, Williams was asked about the intense emotional responses of the viewers over the past years. “The response of the audience that you ask about is something that I certainly can’t explain. I wish I could explain that. But maybe the combination of the audio and the visual hitting people in the way that it does must speak to some collective memory that we don’t quite understand. Some memory of Buck Rogers or King Arthur or something earlier in the cultural salts of our brains, memories of lives lived in the past, I don’t know. But it has that kind of resonance—it resonates within us in some past hero’s life that we’ve all lived.”
(add picture of ancient musicians?)
This is a kind of abstract idea, but somehow that’s what happens musically. Again, what do you mean by “this.” Define it! That’s what in performance one tries to get with orchestras, and is what’s said at orchestral rehearsals: that it isn’t only the notes, it’s this reaching back into the past. As creatures we don’t know if we have a future, but we certainly share a great past. We remember it, in language and in pre-language, and that’s where music lives—it’s to this area in our souls that it speaks. too bold of a claim?
(Final Draft)
In an interview many years after Star Wars had been released, Williams was asked about the intense emotional responses of the viewers over the past years. “The response of the audience that you ask about is something that I certainly can’t explain. I wish I could explain that. But maybe the combination of the audio and the visual hitting people in the way that it does must speak to some collective memory that we don’t quite understand. Some memory of Buck Rogers or King Arthur or something earlier in the cultural salts of our brains, memories of lives lived in the past, I don’t know. But it has that kind of resonance—it resonates within us in some past hero’s life that we’ve all lived.”
Ancient Egyptian musiciansThe notion of an existence of some sort of primal resonance is abstract to say the least, but somehow that’s what happens musically. That’s what in performance one tries to get with orchestras, and is what’s said at orchestral rehearsals: that it isn’t only the notes, it’s this reaching back into the past. As creatures we don’t know if we have a future, but we certainly share a great past. We remember it, in language and in pre-language, and that’s where music lives—it’s to this area in our souls that it can speak.
reedertheman 